|Isaiah 43:19 |
“Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert”.
Taken from the blog of: Rachelle Call (see "A Night In Recovery" post)
"I remember some very specific days in my recovery process that spoke to me on a very deep spiritual level. I had been doing the therapy thing for years. I was paying professionals by the dozen to listen to me and give me answers….much like I would buy other services. I like an outfit, I buy it. I am buying clothes. I need new teeth (which happens every 7 years), I pay a dentist to do the work. I am buying teeth. In my mind, it was the same with therapy and therapists. I like to feel better, I pay you to tell me what’s wrong. I am buying answers.
So this had gone on for a long time. And while I was beginning to understand more about why I felt so bad, I still kind of felt bad. I KNEW I had the capacity to feel more joy and more peace….I just could NOT get to it. One day, I was in my therapists office telling him about the most recent conversation with my husband. We were going on 10 months of separation at that point and I was frustrated by the fact that I COULD NOT figure out how to be in the same room with him. My dh had recently called me and asked if I could visit him in Pasedena, California for a couple days (which I know was a huge stretch for him). I was like….ummm…are you kidding me? Where did that come from and how dare you? I was still waiting for XYZ to be completed before I would give him that kind of time and energy. My therapist was worried too. He said he didn’t really feel good about it….something about giving a reward too soon. But here’s the thing: I had been reading some books in addition to all the therapy (and going to seminars in addition to reading the books). I was learning some very knew concepts like, “whatever you focus on will grow “and “what is my ultimate payoff for having a husband to complain about all the time”. So these thoughts were beginning to take some form. In fact, they had taken root enough that when I walked out of the therapists office that day…I had already decided to do it. I was challenging my therapists recommendations for the very first time. I didn’t want to. I wanted to continue pleasing my counselor with what a good student I was. I always did everything I was asked…and then some. If I was asked to read a chapter….I read the whole book..along with another book of my choosing. I wanted to impress them all. I wanted them to be “pleased by my progress”.
But it was coming to an end. I called my husband that day and said…”You know what? I’d love to come see you. My therapist doesn’t think I should, but I’m going to do it anyway.” My dh was floored. It was a complete 180. My thinking was….maybe I should change my approach and try something new, because what I had been doing for 5 years was not working. So I went to Pasedena…..armored with prayer, my scriptures, a couple of energy therapy cd’s that I would need to listen to while dh was at work (for like six hours…I was still obsessing a bit), a book called Energy Medicine….and courage. I remember walking around at the Paseo Colorado mall alone (while dh was at work) when this feeling hit me out of nowhere. I would say that a glimpse of “something new” came over me. I felt like this place was familiar and I was supposed to be there at that very second. I KNEW I had done the right thing. I knew I was heading in the right direction, because God had just given me His approval. And that felt different than ANY other source of approval I had ever sought after. Decision confirmed."